Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
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Thanks McDonald’s for adding two order lanes that require everyone to cooperate and merge so I can be driven to a blinding rage and lose faith in humanity all before I get my fries
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
getting old is fun
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
My kid spent a long time washing kinetic sand off his hands, so now he’s clean, but the bathroom looks like it went to a rave on a beach
What…what happens if the crabs learn how to read???
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.