stanley hudson: [on deathbed] I’m amazed I lasted as long as I did
michael scott: that’s what she said
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BELLE: Some of the servants aren’t handling the transition from furniture back to human very well.
BEAST: What do you mean?
LUMIÈRE, both hands on fire: Yeah, what do you mean?
Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Me *calls 911* I got stabbed by an murderer
911: omg
Me: omg
911: “an” murderer haha
Me: haha stop I heard it just as I said it
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
[1st Date]
him: oh do you have a twitter?
me: oh yeah, here you can look at it
him: *scrolls in silence*
him, pushing bowl of potato soup away: yeah I don’t think this is going to work out
Fun fact: zombies actually walk normal when they’re drunk
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
My circle of trust is a meatball
Donald Trump has all the resources to be Batman. Instead, he chooses to be Donald Trump.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
listerine whitening mouthwash is just purple shampoo for teeth
Infomercial Host: Who wants to fix their chronic acne problem?
Audience: *clapping*
Host: Sir, are you leaving?
Wile E. Coyote: *shuffling out on broken rocket skates* I misread the flyer
In honor of the eclipse, I will also get in the way of someone brighter than me.
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
Asked my husband why he put his usually-neat bourbon on the rocks and he said it’s because his New Year’s resolution is to drink more water.
[in the driveway]
It’s not sporty, but it looks efficient. How many miles per gallon do you get in this bad boy?
Pizza delivery boy (getting out of his Prius): …wuh?
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.