Use helium in your air guitar to hit those extra high notes.
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we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
38% of being a dad is sitting in a car looking at your watch and waiting for everybody else to come out
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Me: I know it hurts, but you’ll learn to love again.
Sheep: I don’t know. I can’t even look at ewe right now.
Good questions to ask on a first date:
*Do you have any siblings?
*What was your major in college?
*Is that your original skin?
*Do you think the humans suspect anything?
*Do you prefer eating meat or souls?
*What kind of music do you like?
Etc.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
I’m preparing for Halloween early by pretending not to be home every time someone knocks the door.
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
Tuba = Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Y’all: “I’m tryna lose weight, i’m about to eat salad”
The Salad:
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
OFFICE CHRISTMAS PARTY
BOSS: I don’t know you. Do you work here?
ME: *sips wine* No.
HIM: So your wife does?
ME: *sips his wine* Again no.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I could not be more annoyed
*checks Twitter*
Ok, I’m more annoyed
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?