fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
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My best friend bought my daughter a 2000 piece bead kit when she turned four and to this day I don’t know what I did to piss her off.
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
[slips wedding dj a 5] got any korn
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Her: If someone gave you five dollars would y-
Me: Yes.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
waiter: can i start you off with something to drink?
me: milk for me please
date: [visibly disappointed]
me: uh make that 2 milks
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water
Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever
Bought some skinny jeans and tied them around my waist, they don’t work.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
I’m sorry but if shirts are required at the company picnic then the calendar invite should have said that
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
When your parents said you could be anything you wanted, I don’t think they meant annoying
“Siri, show me justifiable homicide.”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.