Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
You Might Also Like
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
I hate to brag but strangers were spraying me with Lysol before this all started.
Before I drop a bag of clothes off at Goodwill, I like to take it for a ride in the back of my car for a good five or six months.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
[going down a slide at 4]: yayyyyyyyyyyy
[going down a slide at 40]: tell my storyyyyyyyy
Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
[courtroom]
me: good morning, Judge McDonald
Judge: you will address the court properly
Me:
Judge: or be found in contempt
Me: Good morning, Your Ronald
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…