I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
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I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Try my 6 ways to be a millionaire by 40. They wont work, but try them.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
My neighbor mentioned that her husband has baby soft feet, and don’t think I’m not going to bring that up every time I see him from now on.
Yall keep making fun of millennials you gonna regret all those karate lessons you bought us
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
What do people who ask, “do you think I am an idiot?” and get mad when we say “yes”, want from us?
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
How do I get Instacart to stop assigning dudes under 30 to my orders? Chad just earnestly queried whether I’d like him to replace my out-of-stock tampons with adult diapers.
My daughter is playing “Away in a Manger” on the recorder if anyone wanna come over.
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Human are so complicated
I’m convinced a lot of people here are communicating from prison.
😂😂😂