The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
You Might Also Like
There is nothing more enjoyable than watching a child being chased by a seagull.
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Do I have to put “parody” in my account because I’m not actually a sentient donut?
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
On the list of things I fear the most, “death” comes in as a close second to “audience participation”
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
them: ok so we’ve developed the most dangerous parking lot imaginable
trader joe: make the lanes even narrower
them: done
tj: make sure there are lots of blind spots
them: you got it
tj: *snorts coke* lets pay some people to back out of parking spots at 30 mph
If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
To be clear, when I say “let’s get it on”, I’m talking about the two-person horse costume.
[first day as a doctor]
Me: We’re going to need to amputate your legPatient: It’s only a sore throat!
Me: I just really want to try out my new saw
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like