If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
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I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
“What?”
– Jude
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Whenever I think I’m having a bad day I think about the time I ran a half marathon and at the starting line all my music mysteriously disappeared and I had to listen to Sugar by Maroon 5 for 13.1 miles
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Protip: If a party guest says “I don’t dance” what he’s really telling you is “make my drinks stronger please”.
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
My childless friend told me how easy parenting is so I went over at 0500 with fingerpaints and my toddler. We’ve been listening to Baby Bum nonstop, there’s food on the walls and every time she goes to the bathroom, we bust in to tell her all the words that rhyme with “poop”
My kid told me the book we were reading was fiction, and the reason he knows that is because dragons don’t eat tacos, they eat meat
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.