That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
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When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Engaged couples should register for two of everything so it’s easier to divide stuff when they divorce.
People without kids who give other people’s kids messy or annoying toys..
Imagine that we gave you a monkey with a kazoo and fingerpaints..
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
Toddlers be like, “excuse me madam that’s my emotional support Walmart receipt.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
[going thru airport security]
“Please turn your laptop on”
*I start to stroke it’s audio input*
“That’s not what I-‘
Me: No no it likes this
Ok hear me out, the musical Cats -but with velociraptors.
realizing every shirt in the store is a crop top
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
My kid just called me by “hey you” and I saw all my other kids and the dogs turn and walk out of the room faster than they’ve ever walked before.
doctor: the results don’t look good
me: oh god, why?
doctor: *shaking head* the printer ran out of ink
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[phonecall]
murderer: I’m outside your houseme: I’m at the supermarket
murderer: ok
me: I’ll be there in 10
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.