Nobody ever told me that this was an option.
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tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
4yo: Mom found this house and no one was home there, so we just went in.
Him: You… just went in?
4yo: Yeah. Just looked around at their stuff.
(A museum. I took them to a museum.)
Me: *applying flea treatment* Good boy
Cat: Meow {you’ve made a powerful enemy today}
M: Nearly done now
C: Meow! {oh I’m deffo gonna shit in your shoe}
M: All finished
C: MEOW {and I think a bird’s head in your bed, too}
M: Aw, I love you too, Mr Tiddles
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
I’m not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me “2mer is B-9, woot!”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
U talkin 2 me?
[any baby is born]
society: first thing we gotta do is teach it animal sounds
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
H: So what’s the worst thing you’ve ever seen someone do?
Me: I watched a mother buy her son a harmonica.
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
I wonder if husband spiders get annoyed when their spider wives use all the hot water in the shower shaving their 8 legs.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
I make all guests at my house leave their phones at the door just because I know they’ll leave quicker that way.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
Children are our future. Clean burning. Renewable. Children.
Uhh, hells yeah Id like to participate in your brief survey.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I never feel more betrayed than when my hair won’t cooperate because it’s too clean
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
Toilet paper has a lot of other uses!
Your baby? Boom. It’s a mummy.
Your dog? Boom. Mummydog.
This lamp? Boom. Your living room is on fire.