Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.
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If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
friend: why do u look sad
me: I have wrongdog
friend: what’s wrongdog
me: *big breath in*
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays
Me: You should take a bath
Kid: You can’t make me!
Doctor: You should eat more leafy greens
Me: You can’t make me!
Just heard a young parent say “Brantley is a demon child.” Well, you’re the one who named him Brantley. Maybe take a hard look in the mirror, Judith.
Him: Who’s The Man?!?
Me: Usually, not the guy who says ‘Who’s the man’….
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
Ok doc, give it to me straight.
“It’s cancer”
How bad?
“Really bad, you have 2 months.”
OMG
“APRIL FOOLS!”
Whew-
“You have 2 days.”
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Yeah. This was me today.
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Everyone’s a gangster until the grocery store switches their aisles around.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
If parenting has taught me anything, it’s that you only give your toddler as much juice as you’d like to see on the floor
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
“hello pretty lady.” [i slide down the bar] “what’s your name?” i say as i casually toss a peanut in my eye.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!