“Ok folks who ordered the macaroni & bees?”
“you mean cheese?”
[waiter struggling to keep bowl covered]
“that does make more sense actually”
You Might Also Like
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
AMAZON: Did you buy a watch?!
ME: Yeah, it’s-
AMAZON: You might want THIS watch!
ME: No I already-
AMAZON: ONLY WATCHES FOR YOU, FOREVERMORE
DOCTOR: Mrs. Nice Guy? I’m so sorry, but I have some terrible news…
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
I woke up because of birds chirping.
I wish I had wings too.
I would fly to each of these birds & choke them one by one.
6 am is too early.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I’m like …if parking too far away from the curb was a person.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
Super convenient that my arms came with cup holders.
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Caller ID isn’t enough for Me I need to know why you’re calling.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball: