I am open to suggestions, comments, or glowing praise followed by many exclamation points.
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
Nancy Drew and the mystery of the seven minute stroller nap delaying bedtime by two hours
my right thumb literally just snarled at my other nine fingers and said, “you have no idea how much more work i do than any of you spoiled brats”
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
My partner is a nurse and I met her at a hospital I visited to fix a broken nose. I told her I broke my nose during a fight protecting my best friend. In reality though, I had gone out for a jog and decided to close my eyes for 10 seconds and ran face first into a tree.
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
GENIE: You have three wishes.
ME: I wish I had a million dollars.
GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.
Nike is coming out with a line
of Air Brady football shoes.They have a built in suspension feature.
You just have to let some air out.
Ghosts will turn lights on and off, open and close doors, move objects, but never once have they ever turned on a treadmill and I think that’s very telling.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
What
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
Guys: when you’re shaving, do the Hitler part first. You don’t want to get interrupted and then be running around with just the Hitler part.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse