Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
i’ve started saying good undernoon between 10 and 12 and let me tell you everyone at work hates it
next level snooze
I’m on a 2 hour long call where one lady keeps cleaning her throat, and some guy keeps saying “meat in” instead of meeting, and I just want to catapult myself into the sun
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
THEM: are you willing to take a drug test
ME: my name isn’t test but I’m down
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Trapped in a crevice. “Go on boy, get help.” The dog chews off my one free arm. “Ok yeah bring that back to town I guess”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Me: Why did you need to buy a dehumidifier can’t you just put out humidifier in reverse?
Husband: *eye twitches*
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Check on your friends stuck in quarantine with kids that never stop talking.
We are NOT ok.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
3-year-old: There’s a spider on the carpet!
Me: Haha, that’s just a piece of fuzz.
*fuzz moves*
Me: EVERYBODY OUT OF THE HOUSE!
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
#TheResistance is everywhere! #ScienceMarch #EarthDay