the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
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My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Me: [gets coffee]
News: [election updates]
Me: [adds vodka to coffee]
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
me: ted is coming over tonight
wife: i always feel ostricized when ted is over
me: hun, *i take her hand* you are nothing like a giant bird
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
If you ever want your kids to communicate with you, just make sure you’re talking to someone else on the phone.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
me: [dancing in a well lit area]
Bruce Springsteen: absolutely not
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
“I want to brew beer with my feet but be an archeologist with my hands,” a friend’s 4 y.o. declares. My own career arc was less defined.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
my best friend and i made a pact that if we’re both still single when we’re 40 we will go on a horrifying nationwide crime spree
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset