“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
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Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
Son: “Mom, Dad we need to talk…. I’m a vegan”
**Mom cries running out the room
Dad: Why can’t you just have a normal eating disorder?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
If you are thinking about becoming a parent, you should know that my son has decided he likes dipping his fries in ketchup and then MILK
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
*first day using my sith power*
“Hey stormtrooper, stop hitting yourself!”
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
I don’t know, my pockets are always stuffed full of things I need.
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
when i get married im gonna send invitations to my enemies that have minus ones on them so they’ll know about the wedding but won’t be allowed to go
I would watch a reality show that’s nothing but goth kids trying not to smile while riding on a jet ski.
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
Them: you can’t handle this d…
Me:
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.