I pray every night that I never become religious…
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I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Heard a young person say that if you’re over 40, your bedtime should be before 10. I was immediately offended until I realized mine is 9:45
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
my mind
You just read my mind
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
ME: (slowly undressing)
DMV PHOTOGRAPHER: Stop that.
My son just let a girl “borrow” his hoodie.
Should I tell him now or let him learn?
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
*pronounces woah like Noah*
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
Christmas inflatables are like college kids, full of life at night and face down on the lawn in the morning.
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
Don’t just argue the point, continue the argument long after it’s over. Hold your ground. If they’re dead, don’t let them pull evasive maneuvers like that. Go to the cemetery, and yell at their tombstone.
Me: I’m gonna make you groan!
Her: you mean moan?
Me: no, I’m gonna show you some of my tweets
Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh
Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
My horoscope said I should kiss you today