About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
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me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
My teen daughter wants me to “hurry up” getting ready to go somewhere and ain’t this some karma
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
“Bob’s here”
Bob from work or Bob THE HARBINGER OF DEATH
*an icy wind blows as black clouds consume the sky*
“Bob from work”
*clouds recede*
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.