Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
You Might Also Like
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
(gets down on one knee) hey I like being close to the ground
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: Sure!
Me: OMG really?
Wife: Wait. Did you say quickie or cookie?
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
I introduced two people who then became good friends. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to ask that every time they hangout they take a moment to say, “Wow, all of this is because of Kevin.”
“I’ll worry about it next time”
– me pissing off future me
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Me: *reading article about woman with brain worm* “Oh my god, gross!”
My brain worm: “I know! Yuck!”
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
“my dad could beat up your dad”
we’re brothers you idiot
*cut to dad stepping on rake, knocking himself out*