I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.
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If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
Me: What kind of tools do I need to make a cake?
Him: The fact that you’re calling ingredients tools means u shouldnt be in charge of this.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.
When my toddlers ask where mommy is, I explain that she’s gone to heaven. That way they’re super-excited when she gets back from the gym.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan