I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
they can’t date any hot chicks #SnowmanDatingProblems
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
The most avoided species of shark is the Loan
[Bending down with my hands on my knees]
“Where is your mother?”
~ me to anyone under the age of 30
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
My toddler helped me clean by picking up and eating the trail of Cocoa Puffs he left on the floor and I’m going to allow it because I really need the help.
*friends describing me on Dateline*
She was nothing special. Didn’t light up a room or anything. Just kinda blended into the wallpaper.
[Date]
ME: I hope you like your wine dry
HER: But of cour- umm that’s just a glass of raisins
ME: *mouth full of raisins* it’s weally dwy
As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
My kids’ school sends home so much artwork I’ve had to buy 8 refrigerators since September.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.