Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn
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Why’s it always “nyc smells like pee” and never “my pee smells like the greatest city in the world”
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
“ARGHH A HOUSE SPIDER”
[spider removes earbuds]
“yah actually im more into ambient trance but whatever”
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
My ex recently asked me if I wanted to be “Friends with Benefits” which is so psycho like dude I am a woman in her 30s, you can’t ask me something like that….I absolutely do not want new friends.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
I can count the people I trust on my middle finger.
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
Legend 🤣🤣
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
Maybe you should trust the CDC on how to handle a pandemic over your cousin Matt who is banned from Denny’s for setting off firecrackers.
Me: I need a raise
Secretly-an-Alien Manager: Yes, it is good to, want to exchange labor for the right amount of delicious green rectangles
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
RIDDLER: What has–
BATMAN: A gazebo
ROBIN: Matches
RIDDLER: Let me finish-
BM: A paperweight
R: Dental floss
RIDDLER: I hate you guys
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter