If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
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Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
HER: I don’t know what you’d do without me.
ME:
HER: Please stop imagining all those things.
ME: Ok.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Someone gave me a star as a gift. I’m planning on sprucing it up with some planets and asteroids and using it as a summer vacation spot.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
It’s amazing the little things you learn about your kids as they grow everyday.
For example today I learned my 3yo is kind of a mean drunk.
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
He’s dead
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Single Me- waxes routinely
Married Me- twirls my mustache aggressively when my husband makes me angry
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Whenever I have a panic attack I put a paper bag over my mouth & once I’m done drinking the alcohol inside I feel a lot better.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
never compromise your values
*puts my hair in a ponytail
IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted