I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
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I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
my kids figured out the password to my wife’s computer and have been sending me these texts as if they were from her
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Fixing my grandma’s computer and I see that her search history is about seven various spellings of the name of the last guy I dated.
i got 100% on my daughters assignment.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
If I could hop as high as a frog in relation to the size of my body that would not be a very safe or useful superpower but goddamn would it be fun
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.
Women and electronics aren’t very similar until they both freak out on you for throwing water on them while they’re in “sleep mode”.
“I’m totally against the selfie-stick but every now and then an exception comes along.”
Credit: AndrewBloch
If I knew I’d have this many brain cells left, I would have partied a little harder in my twenties.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
*Paul Ryan watches a children’s hospital explode*
Hhhhmmm, an affordable source of heat and light
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Eat…
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
coworker suggested i drink fewer than six energy drinks so i tossed him through the break room like a discus
When you smile and laugh and pretend you heard a word they said.
~ Night club conversations and marriage