look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
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“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
Batman: my parents died when I was young leaving me alone with my butler Alfred an-
group leader: oh my god it’s Bruce Wayne
Batman: Batman: no no I’m Batwayne, I mean Bruceman
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
When my wife says “Guess what today is.”
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!
Her: so tell me a fun fact
Me: the plural of octopus is really octopodes!
H: I mean about yourself…
M: …I know the plural of octopus
This gonna be me in 2 weeks
Morning.
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
I’m not a 10. I’m more like two 5s held together by cheese and chocolate.
I bet when kittens go to work in kitten offices that there’s always one kitten whose cubicle is decorated with pictures of lonely old ladies
[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
Lord, grant me the temerity to demand others change the things I cannot change, blindness to the things I can, and narcissism to do it all on Twitter.