I hope I’m not the only one who hovers over someone when they use my favorite pen just so they know I’m serious about wanting it back.
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This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
Found a pic in a box buried deep in the closet of me sitting on Santa’s knee. Hard to believe that was two whole years ago!
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
sometimes I wonder if Einstein’s friends were ever able to say “nice work, Einstein” without sounding sarcastic
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
y’alllll a young person asked for historical fiction and I asked her if she had a particular time period in mind and she said the 80s and 90s
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
My wife texted me from the bedroom last night saying she ate crackers in bed and she needed help changing the sheets because crumbs were everywhere.
Turns out that was not an excuse to get me in the bedroom for sex. She literally ate crackers like our 4 yo.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
[my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
if elon musk married bill gates he would be elongates
really makes you think 🤔
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning