I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
You Might Also Like
FRIEND: what r u watching
ME: unsolved mysteries
FRIEND: so just mysteries?
ME: [taking bite of edible food] i’m not sure what u mean
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
Me: *hears a stealthy footstep in the hallway*
Me: “This is your third time up. Go back to bed.”
7yo: *frantically* “Wait — wait Daddy –”
Me: “Whatever it is, tell me in the morning.”
7yo: *gasp* “IfYouWereADolphinYou’dBeDeadAlready
BecauseDolphinsOnlyLiveThirtyYears.”
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
No
one
yums like Gaston
Eats iced plums like Gaston
Knows you saved them but craves them, succumbs like Gaston
You’ve said it before and I’ll say it again
-Plagiarists
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
the boy who cried wolf would be a way cooler story if actual wolves came out of his eyes
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
want me to check your oil?
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
*rolls up sleeves*
*gets high on sleeves*
[Wedding meal]
*taps wine glass until everyone stops talking and I stand up to speak* I need more wine
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I hope they boil the right one.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes