Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
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Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
why no one uses midhusbands
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
Baby detective: These stab wounds here, they-
*coroner covers the body with a sheet*
Baby: OH MY GOD. THE BODY! ITS GONE! WHERE DID IT GO
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Japan’s flag is like a pie chart of how much of Japan is Japan.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Thanks for suggestions Coca Cola, but I only share my coke with Jack
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
You can’t begin to imagine what an intolerable burden it is to be cursed with this staggeringly poignant flair for the melodramatic
[on drive home]
i cant believe you said “don’t bother” when my dad said he’d be there in spirit
“i don’t want ghosts at our wedding linda”
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole
911 what’s your emergency?
I FARTED ON THE FIRST DATE.
Ma’am we don’t–
IT SOUNDED LIKE A BALLOON ANIMAL ASKING A QUESTION