Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
You Might Also Like
Me: Look to my left.
Friend: We’re facing the same way. Why don’t you say our left?
Me: I don’t like to share.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Horrifically awaiting the day all the shampoo bottles in my shower decide to squeeze me back.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
“That’s me in a nutshell.”
A peanut’s photo album.
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
This morning my husband crooned “How’s my beautiful girl today” and I was feeling pretty damn good until I realized he was talking to the dog.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Me: Want to see me do The Robot?
Friend: Sure.
Me:
Friend: Why aren’t you moving?
Me: Updating software.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
That lamp looks PISSED.
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Today, I realized that I am half-centaur.
I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
If you ever feel unattractive, just remember that you look like your ancestors, and Hey, All of them got laid.
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
HER: do u have a condom
ME: u bet [whistles]
[an eagle flies thru the window & drops off a cat]
H: holy shit
M: ya sometimes he brings cats