Like a crackhead being chased on COPS, but it’s me sprinting from the shed in flip-flops holding a can of wasp spray.
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Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
forgive me baja for i have blast
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
(Treehouse)
Me: *picks up empty tin can, places it to ear*
Voice at other end: Hello we’re conducting a quick survey.
I’ve been jogging for 6 minutes & there are, literally, 9 vultures circling above me.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Optional boss fight.
My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
Me: Twitter isn’t as enjoyable anymore. So frustrating
Therapist: Why don’t you stop using it
Me: Then I’d have to come here every day and tell you my tweets
Therapist: absolutely not
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice