I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
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anytime I meet someone who doesn’t like dogs I assume their backstory is that they were cut from their high school basketball team because airbud took their spot
I’m sorry but I CANNOT believe that the verified Nickelodeon TikTok posted this
I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
Him: I love you so much I want to shout it from the mountaintop
Me: *knows about mountains* Literally no one will hear you up there
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
James is coming over.
“James from work or James who thinks he’s a leprechaun?”J: TOP O’ THE MORNIN’ TO YA!
“I’ll hide the Lucky Charms.”
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
dog: *snickers*
priest: *sighs*