Looking back, my financial health took a turn for the worse right after I broke my piggy bank.
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They say white people don’t have their own culture but I just got invited to a gender reveal party for a dog and there’s no way we appropriated that from anyone else.
A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
What’s the craziest thing you’ve done for money?
I’ll go first: I went to college.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
First child: Eats yogurt.
Second child: Smears yogurt all over face, finger paints with yogurt on table, and gives the dog a moisturizing yogurt mask.
Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
*limbos away from your hug*
yelling “you’re not my real dad” is a faux pas
When I said I was afraid of the dentist, I meant the bill.
When libraries troll their patrons.
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you’ll save from not having a social life.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?