Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
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What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Every time you ask a woman about pregnancy or childbirth she’ll go “Oh it wasn’t so bad, I was actually really lucky. All that happened was—“ and then tell the most terrifying story you’ve ever heard.
Please stop adding noises to your songs that sound like maybe something is wrong with my car.
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 307 times you must be a suitcase on the baggage carousel that looks like mine.
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.
The year is 2063 and you ask your grandson if you can venmo him. He tells you to just stick your finger in his ear. Cmon grandpa, nobody venmos anymore. Just stick your finger in my ear
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
– You need you refresh your style, dear..Orange is so last year
-.. meow?
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Had a spot of bother earlier.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like