My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
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Tai Chi is so crazy because it’s like throwing a slow motion tantrum.
Me: Are you ready for your spelling test?
6-year-old: I know all the words.
Me: Good.
6: Just not all the letters in them.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Peanuts are legumes
Cocoa is a fruit
Sugar is a beetConclusion: Snickers is a salad
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
Tobacco causes Cancer
Alcohol causes Dancer
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Been playing hide n’ seek with my niece and nephew for the last three hours. I guess I should get off twitter and go and look for them now.
Someone explain why clothes are so expensive? I should not have to pay this much to not be naked. People should pay ME to not be naked
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
Sasquatch: *to tv camera* Tonight we will try a human call and hope for a response. *clears throat* 🎵Sweet Caroline🎵
From a distance: 🎵Bah bah bah🎵
Sasquatch: You heard that! It was a human!
Camera Sasquatch: I don’t know. Could be a bird.
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up in the couch.
I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Receptionist: “The doctor will see you now.”
Invisible Man: “Finally, a cure!”
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse