SOMEBODY: she had a boyfriend who looked like that girlfriend that you had in february of last year
ME: what the hell are you talking about
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Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
I’m tired of the grind and have decided to seek romantic comedy employment. Currently searching postings for high paying positions in a whimsical book shop.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world’s population.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
I hope they boil the right one.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
When she was 3, I took my youngest to makeup a gymnastics class we’d missed. The entire hr she was surly af & I had no idea why.
On the car ride home, she bold-faced stared me down and said, “MOM, we didn’t do ANY makeup in this class, you LIED.”
Kids.
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
Obama: any good ideas in how to defeat isis?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: besides assembling the Avengers?
*Biden lowers hand*
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know