Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
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[shopping on full stomach] bread, eggs, milk
[shopping on empty stomach] cookies, chips, a taco truck, a pizza shop, an ice cream factory
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
In high school we had a thing called Ethics Day put on by Chick-Fil-A where they would give out coupons for free chicken sandwiches. My friends and I found the book of all the coupons and stole it. The devils of Ethics Day.
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
I react to the UPS guy delivering my Amazon package the way geese react to people with bread.
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
6 said he isn’t sleeping in his room cause the tooth fairy sounds creepy but he left the tooth cuz he needs the money.
-No DNA test needed
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
After sex, I take the condom off and make a balloon animal for the lady.
Hell yeah I wanna save a draft of that unaddressed email with nothing in the body.
[Prison visit]
Me: I finally have a date for my execution
GF: WHO IS SHE
Oh, you got a promotion? Congratulations! I got a promotion at home: my kids unanimously voted me “the WORST.”
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
[Date]
Me: tell me about yourself
Her: I’m really vegan
Me: oh no
Her: and I have a kid
Me: oh no
Her: his name is Kale
Me: ohhh noo
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*