My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
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how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
You guys realize “business up front, party in the back” is only about mullets, right?
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
Note to self: I am a note
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
the year is 3403 AD, crime is legal and cop’s are illegal, only one man is willing to break the law to make the law legal again: Crimecop
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
chip clip: *hears crinkling of bag* hey buddy, you think you’ll be needing me at all
me: not tonight, my friend
me and my coworkers logging into all of our meetings remotely for the next couple of weeks
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
[someone breaks into my house] excuse me, we take our shoes off in this house
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
50% of parenting is saying “we’ve got food at home.”
Maybe I need to quit questioning my parenting and start questioning my children’s childing.