Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
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being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
It sucks when something bad happens to someone you hate. Nobody will let you gloat. It’s like you can’t even enjoy your own joy.
APOLOGISE NOW!!!
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
Yesterday I took my first grade class to meet our new librarian. After leaving, one 6yo asked me if the old librarian left because she wanted to read different books.
A book doesn’t get jealous when you finish it and start another book.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”