[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
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Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
CNN just wondered if I’m sending disasters to punish you for your sins. No, I’m sending them to punish you for CNN.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
Favstar is like that uncle we all
have, he never works, but comes
around every few months asking
for money.
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
*Biden climbs tree*
“Joe, you better get outta that fuckin tree.”
*Obama revs chainsaw*
I’m not dumb Barack. That’s way too heavy to throw.
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
My washer broke so if anybody needs me I’ll be down by the river beating my underwear with a rock.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
I’ve started my new diet by putting a salad in front of the beer.
Thus I have to move it to get a beer.
Because exercise is important too.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
What’s Godzilla’s favorite sitcom?
How I Met Your Mothra!
…No, YOU shut up.
“How would you describe yourself.”
Me – I absolutely would not.
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years