a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
You Might Also Like
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My neck, my back. My pizza and my snacks.
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
[Snow White meets Seven Dwarfs]
SNOW WHITE: Why is your name Bashful?
BASHFUL: [recalling when he bashed in the 8th dwarf’s skull] No reason
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Hobbies include:
1. Crying about the past
2. Procrastinating in the present
3. Worrying about the future
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
If it requires “gear” I’m in.
The only thing better than not knowing how to do something is spending a ton of money pretending that I do.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
My daughter watched a trial of mine today and when it was over (expecting praise and adulation) I said, “Wellllll how’d I do?”
Her, “You sure did lead your witness a lot.”
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
I learned to play guitar so people would stop asking me to go camping.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
If you gave a million monkeys a million keyboards & let them bang away at the keys all day…then you’d have Twitter.