Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
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I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
9: Can I rent an otter?
Me: Uh, I haven’t had my second cup of coffee yet I can’t do this conversation right now
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
* Aggressively aggresses your aggressions into aggressivity. *
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Sailors who are unable to stop a ship properly are sent to 2 weeks of court-ordered anchor management.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
Kinda rude that books come in volumes when librarians hate sound
Wife: Your resolution this year should be to listen to me better.
Me: Bacon would be great, thanks.
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
why isn’t he texting back
*Picks up a grudge, holds it up with a pair of tongs, brings it closer to his nose n sniffs it, examines it for cracks*
“Yes, this is still good. We shall hold on to this one for another four years.”
A faceplant is the ultimate fusion cuisine
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.
People who say watching golf on TV is boring have obviously never listened to golf on the radio
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
“I just talk a lot when I’m nervous.”
-Narrator: In reality, she talked a lot, all the time.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”
me: what’s the last episode of this show that I watched
hulu: I don’t see how that’s any of your business