Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
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Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
When I took improv 101 in 2013, there was a guy who would make every single scene about a high school reunion. Made me feel like he took the class just to prepare for any possible scenario that could happen at an upcoming high school reunion
I met my amazing husband in my 30s on OkCupid and you can too! I don’t think he ever deleted his profile
[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
“It’s fine with me if Mom says ok”
– the original two-step verification
Hello. My name is Ellie & I just got off the bus while listening to King Of Rock & Roll by Prefab Sprout & accidentally said “hot dog” instead of “thank you” to the driver. I must now leave this planet & never return. Farewell.
Him: How ’bout this rain?
Me: It makes my asshole itchy.
And that, my friends, is why you don’t talk to strangers on elevators.
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
hey we’re calling off the search party. we found a different guy out there we like more
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
Wish a poltergeist would move in so there’d be someone else to blame when I lose my shit.
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
The Middle Ages were rough because in addition to famines and plagues you had to deal with getting armor for your horse
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?