My CPR expires tomorrow. So if you plan to stop breathing, do it today
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Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
Wife – remember to compliment the host
[later]
Me – your wife is hot
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Guys if ur drinking tonight please remember this; u can always use a frozen hot dog if u run out of ice. Ok stay safe & keep it real.
Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
me, lightly touching miette with the side of my foot: miette move out of the way please so I don’t trip on you
miette, her eyes enormous: you KICK miette? you kick her body like the football? oh! oh! jail for mother! jail for mother for One Thousand Years!!!!
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”