How am I supposed to “act my age” when I’ve never been this age before now?
You Might Also Like
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
BABY COW: [points at human] What’s that?
OLDER COW: That is a milk dracula
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
1938:
“It’s a bird!”
“It’s a plane!”
“It’s… Superman!”2013:
“Is that a drone?”
“Yeah, it’s probably a drone.”
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
wife: What happened to you?
me *limping* I took a nap
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Prank your dog by loosening his collar a bit everyday and googling “shrinking dog syndrome” while he’s on your lap
4yo: Can I have powder on my pizza?
Me: You mean parmesan cheese?
4: I don’t like cheese. I want powder
Me: *Gives parmesan cheese
4: *Happy
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Got my telescope out, showing my son the beauty of the universe & making sure the girls in the college dorm are safe.
When people ask “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” just reply with “Space” then silently stare at the sky until they leave.
I had to dress up for a wedding today and when my 6 yr old saw me he exclaimed that I “looked beautiful! Just like Peaches!”
Peaches is our dog.
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Material Girl is my favorite song about a seamstress.