Dogs are probably really excited about dog sledding before they find out what it actually is.
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I slept like shit.
– how adults say “good morning”
this is uni
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Sagittarius: A bad situation gets worse this week when your family refuses to pay the ransom.
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
The inventor of auto-correct walked into a bar and ordered a bear.
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
Everyone knows someone with a shelter dog that is 50% Chihuahua and 50% 8 other breeds that is calmer than any other dog in the world and lives to 25. Everyone likes them. The dog is always called like Squirt or something
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
Me, a hamster who is watching my figure, holding my babies:
“Omg someone please take these away from me before I eat all of them!!!!”
A reality show where gay marriage opponents have to live under 100% Biblical laws for six months so they can show us how awesome it is.
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
*gives you the finger*gives you the spleen*gives you the bones*gives you all the other parts* Now build me a girlfriend like you promised.
Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
I’m at the “buy bigger jeans” part of my Eat. Pray. Love. journey.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.