Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
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When french fries are part of your drive thru order are they completely gone by the time you get home or do you have self discipline and self respect?
What happens when you eat too many spaghettiOs?
You have a vowel movement.
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
If Billy Joel rewrote “We Didn’t Start The Fire” about 2020, it would be a 37 hour long song.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
Do you also get pissed off when you walk into a public restroom and someone else is there and you have to wash your hands? Just me then
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
[ first day as job recruiter ]
me: {on phone} i have a job at a bank for your wife
him: teller?
me: yes that’s why I’m calling
Kids are the best get-out-of-everything card. Need to cancel plans? Blame the kids. House messy? Blame the kids. Look like a slob? Blame the kids. Cranky for absolutely no reason whatsoever? Blame the kids.
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
18 hasn’t had a haircut since the start of the pandemic, yesterday he let 20 cut his hair so he could donate it, today the post office lady asked what I was sending and I said a ponytail and not another word, anyway, I’m expecting to be on a list by end of day.
I’ve concluded English is my phone’s second language. It’s the only explanation for all the bizarre autocorrects and typos that plague me.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
*7 yr old talks about red dwarfs and neutron stars for 40 minutes straight*
My mom: Wow, that’s amazing. So are you going to be an astronaut when you grow up?
7, incredulously: No, I’m going to be a ninja.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too