My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
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Ironically, my toys are also called Buzz and Woody
“I came in to pick up a book I’d placed on hold and it’s not here anymore!”
“Sorry about that — when did we notify you that the book was here?”
“I don’t know, a few months ago. How long are you supposed to hold things, anyway?”
“Well, definitely less than ‘permanently forever.’”
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Hubs: Why are you spending so much time on Twitter lately?
Me: I need to find my people
Him: You have a family, we are your people
Me: *this is awkward* But I’m looking for people I actually like
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
DATE: I want someone that’s mysterious & really into nature
ME: [leaves]
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
I bet you don’t believe it, but I lived on Mars for years.
However, only eating chocolate did rot my teeth.
#ChocolateDay #RubbishJokes
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
My co worker managed to get the first two lines of a Christmas carol in before I pushed her out the window
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
It’s important to be comfortable in your own skin…
Because, apparently, it’s illegal to wear someone else’s.
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars