So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
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Had chicken and egg for dinner because I wanted to eat the whole family.
bill nye is short for william new year’s eve
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
*girl calls me daddy*
*hammer appears in my hand*
“oh no”
*I start building a deck*
“what have you done”
*grill turns itself on*
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
In my house the roles are reversed cause my kids tell me to turn my music down.
My son just handed me a note with 9 numbers on it and asked me to call his friend. I told him a phone number is 10 digits so this will not work.
Him: Ok, just add a 4 somewhere.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
I’m literally crying
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
I may toss the cat into my teen’s room when he snoozes his alarm
if he fails to check his pillow for catnip before bed that’s his own fault
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Me: Maybe shouting “harder baby” during CPR training was not a great idea.
Security Guard: Keep walking. Stop talking.
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
“Do you have any children?”
Hannibal: “Freezer. Bottom, right.”
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
Only 99 problems?
Pfft. Amateur.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill