Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
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Nature Valley granola bar: 42 grams
Crumbs left after eating it: 43 grams
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
For a while after my wife left me I found it really difficult to listen to any of ‘our’ songs. She’d taken the entire CD collection with her.
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
If you’re about to be turned into stone by Medusa, strike a hilarious pose and at least lighten things up for the next guy.
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
What do you call a man with no car???
…an Uber.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
Me: [butchering a raw pork shoulder]
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: What?
Child: Can I poke it?
Me: Poke…poke the pork?
Child: Yes.
Me: WHY
Child: It looks squishy.
Me: It IS squishy.
Child:
Me:[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE YOU TWO POKING THE PORK
HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat
*wears a clown mask hitchhiking*
Why’s nobody stopping, everyone loves clowns, right?
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
Wife: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves your mom.
W: Your disgusting!
M:
W: What is it?
M: I always wished she’d taught you how to cook.