*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
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“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
[wine class]
Swirl your wine. Inhale its aroma. What do you smell?
ME: wine
Can you smell its buttery oaky notes?
ME: nope, still wine
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
My daughter claimed that her knife skills are better than Chef Ramsay’s. So I tossed her a potato and asked her to peel it and she said, “With a knife?”
Don’t worry Chef Ramsay, your job is safe!
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Actually cracking up @ this
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
Client – is your boss available
Receptionist – he’s currently una –
Me – he’s been in the bathroom for almost 20 damn minutes
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
My 6yo asked if she could read me her book on our ride home. I said sure. My 6yo with her best outside voice, “table of contents!” Oh boy, it’s gonna be a long ride.
This is the best one I’ve seen
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend